The Life

10 Things You Should Have To Be Considered A True Alaskan: But probably don’t need.

By  | 

OK, so you live here… or know someone who does, but are they real Alaskans? It takes a different kind of person to battle the elements year in and year out, sleep when there is no night, and down right enjoy all 1400 cooking variations of salmon and halibut. Where’s Bubba when you need him? There is a way of life here and admittedly, it can be quite hilarious… but its normal to us “real Alaskans”. Here is a brief list of 10 things, you should have to be considered a true Alaskan, but probably don’t need.


10. An oversized Halloween costume
How else is it going to fit over all our snow gear? Every Alaskan has made the mistake of trying to be too cute or funny on Halloween. If you enjoy having private parts, be warned. A many great costume ideas have been passed over in option for warmer regalia. Some however, give zero F#%’s and have no qualms about it. #drunkprincessleia

Xtra Tuffs

  9. Xtratufs.
Here is the misconception about “Tufs” that most people don’t know, these aren’t some ole cheap rubber boots. Even on sale these boots will run you a cool hunnid, hunnid fiddy ($150). Isn’t it refreshing to to see them in formal social settings tho? “Pa, gimme my good boots… Paulines marrying that city fella with the Mercedes Benz”.


 8. Multiple mosquito repellants.
“O.M.G! is there one on me right now”? When we say multiple, we mean lots, a drawer full, tons. Mosquitos in the summer are notorious for traveling in large packs and are non selective about who they attack. And note, that fu fu organic New Segaya bug spray don’t work. Favorite story, “I passed out drunk and slept outside in the camping chair.” You know the guy.


 7. A engine heater block.
If you didn’t know any better, you’d think Alaskans are driving around 4 wheel drive toasters. Its 2014, are we still doing this? The whole, “Plug at 20 deal”? “Hey McFly you bozo! Our cars don’t work in winter, Unless You Got POWAH”! Note: If you’re still plugging your car in, you’re a dumbass… get an autostart.

Mileage Plan

 6. A mileage plan
Off top, lets be clear… you ain’t going anyway that involves an airplane unplanned, for less than 500 cash American. And for most Alaskans, that crisp “I just went on vacation” tanning is worth every dime. Yea, yea, we ski and we have the ole,  “Oh, the outdoors… look, a moose!” deal… but if  sunlight and warmth were sold by the gram and came in little baggies, you’d find many Alaskans in the alley between the 4th Avenue Theater and the First National Bank building, brown and 188 °Fwait… huh? Ok uhm, what we’re saying is… use miles, travel more.  


 5. Alaskan made products.
Some Alaskans may remember when wearing an Alaskan grown hoody was cool, now it may appear as if you just robbed a tourist. But there are still many great Alaskan products. As an Alaskan, whether you personally use these products regularly or not, its a must to at least have working knowledge of a few, you know… for the guests. We personally suggest Alaskan produced vodkas!! Drink Alaska Distillery Vodka, with over 14 flavors… it rawks. We drink it, plus they are paying us for it.

 4. An album of hiking selfies.
For true Alaskans, the hiking / outdoor selfie is the new baby picture. “Look, I’m doing the most average Alaskan activity ever!! Yea, you’re holding that silver trout, but your dad is the one with the fishing licence. Hey, we get it… you’re just trying to max out your limit per person. We’re not judging. But as a rule of thumb tho, get your instagram selfie game up. If you can’t prove it… you haven’t done it. Flattop much?



 3. A Carrs plus / Safeway Club Card
Nothing is more Alaskan than membership, especially memberships we never use. The Alaska Club comes to mind. Oh… anyone want a bite of this 5ft long grandpa hoagie? My 7th one was free!! Ahw, the Carrs plus card. While most physical cards are long gone, many accounts are still active. Don’t know if you are a club card member? Well, your mom probably is. Can you remember your parents home phone number? The one still connected to the wall… then you have a club card account.



 2. A late model Subaru
We are going to go out on a limb and say this… Subaru’s are like Goonies, they never say die. Be honest, when was the last time you seen a Subaru that doesn’t run? We’re gonna tell you, never. And Alaskans know this better than anyone else, that’s why there are more Subaru’s in Alaska per capita than anywhere in life.

  1. World Geography 101.
We’re not saying, sign up for college courses here, just have a good idea of what you want to be when you grow up. Because nothing messes up a budding political career more than a geographical muddle.

Please believe, Alaskans will forgive a lot of things… thinking penguins live in the Arctic, or maybe letting it slip that the “Ring of Fire” is a song about volcanoes. Hell… we might even let you slide calling Australia, “a big ass island”. But if you think the lower 48’s are going to let you be President of this great nation… the back to back world war champion United States of America, and you’re misinformed about the proximity of Russia to the “Last Frontier”? Psst, you got another thing coming, application de-nied. But that’s none of our business.


Have anything to add to our list? Let us know in the comments.

Phillip Crawford

Content creator and video/photographer for You can follow Phillip on Twitter and Instagram - @phillip907

You must be logged in to post a comment Login

Leave a Reply